You’re Gonna Know My Name

On Sunday afternoons, my daughter Ella and I steal away to have a little girl time.

She attends an atelier studio that is absolutely amazing for a kid with such innate drawing talent; I stay and work while she draws.

We traditionally blast bad ass empowerment songs the entire way out to her lessons, since it is a solid 20–30 minute drive from our house.

She usually takes this opportunity to talk to me about what’s going on in her life, ask me how things are going in mine.

She’s such a good kid, but I know there are times that she misses it being “just us”, no matter how much she loves her brother and adopted dad.

The topic turned today to the upcoming events I am speaking at.

It will be my first time ever sharing my story-OUR story-in front of an audience, instead of just social media or posts here on Medium.

If you haven’t read my previous post, “Start With What If”, it’ll fill in the blanks for you.

Fair warning, it is graphic and does focus on Domestic Violence, but gives you my back story.

One of the songs that came on during our drive today was, “A Million to One”, by Camilla Cabello, off the Amazon “Cinderella” soundtrack.

If you haven’t seen it and have a daughter, you really should.

Better yet, watch it together.

It is an incredible twist on the classic story and the message is so needed.

I won’t spoil it for you, but she doesn’t need a prince to rescue her-it’s one of my Ella’s favorites.

I know Ella loves it partially because Camilla’s name is “Ella” in it, but also because I’m raising one hell of a feminist.

As the sun shone into my sunroof, I listened to Camilla sing about doing the things that scared her the most because she couldn’t afford to be wrong.

She sings “even if it’s a million to one, I’m gonna be that one, you’re gonna know my name”.

I realized while I was listening that was exactly why I decided to start telling my story at every opportunity possible.

Not because I want to be famous-quite the opposite for this introverted extrovert.

I freaking HATE public speaking.

But I owe it to the women that can’t speak.

I owe it to those that don’t realize there IS a better life out there.

I owe it to them to tell my story-my message-LOUDLY, so that they know they aren’t alone.

This belief started after our 9-month-old adorable baby boy Beau ended up with Covid, which he so kindly and promptly shared with me.

He was over it in 2 days.

Me?

Not so much.

During what seemed like never-ending recovery time, I discovered the Netflix special, “MAID”.

MAID tells the story of a young mom trying to leave her husband that is most definitely abusing her, but she doesn’t realize it.

As a society, especially as women, we are taught that abuse is physical.

That you aren’t really abused unless there are bruises or fists fly.

That you should, “talk it out” or go to counseling.

Or, my favorite, that it is simply a misunderstanding because men think differently than women.

Full disclaimer, this last one is absolute bull shit and makes me want to scream, “GAG ME”.

As I binge watched the entire series, it was like watching my life unfold.

Her being asked time and again if she was being abused.

Her answering “no” because there was no physical abuse.

Meanwhile…

He took her car so she couldn’t work.

He took her money so she couldn’t care for their daughter.

He physically intimidated and cornered her, guaranteeing she was afraid.

He did his best to convince her that she was lucky he put up with her.

My story-different, but eerily similar.

My husband, God Bless him, became increasingly concerned, telling me that he was seriously worried if it was good for my mental health to be watching something that hit so close to home.

I still remember sitting in my pajamas, craning my neck to see around him as he tried to block the screen and talk to me, obviously alarmed.

I leveled a look at him, took the remote and explained that I wasn’t upset or triggered, I was relieved.

I knew other women that had lived similar stories, but if it was a big enough problem that NETFLIX was making a series about it, it meant that I wasn’t an anomaly.

That WE weren’t an anomaly.

That realization both made me happy and sick to my stomach.

I guess I am a little unique in the respect that I truly believe every story has a purpose.

That the events of our lives aren’t truly ours, but that they are meant to help others.

And while I DID end up living with a “traditional” Domestic Violence situation, where there was physicality- the actual grooming and abuse started so much earlier.

THAT is why I am speaking up.

THAT is why I refuse to be quiet.

THAT is why, even though my voice might shake, I will continue to tell my story until it is understood…

Financial abuse IS abuse.

Intimidation IS abuse.

Isolation IS abuse.

Stalking IS abuse.

I will stand on every stage, talk on ever podcast, speak at any event possible to share my story.

Not for me.

I’ve done that healing.

I’ve forgiven the unforgivable.

Some of me would rather forget what happened.

But that’s how history repeats itself, isn’t it?

As Winston Churchill said, “Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”.

So, I won’t forget.

I won’t stop.

Because too many- maybe you’re one of them-need to know they aren’t alone.

Our kids deserve better.

WE deserve better.

Just like Camilla sang, “You’re gonna know my name”.